So a lot of good change,.. Got my new computer up and running,.. I must say, I’m very, very pleased,.. Finally got all my files transferred,.. Took forever,.. Also we’ve finally found a place to live for a while,.. It’s a rental place way out in the country,.. Sittin’ on 90 acres,.. It’s a guest house type structure built next to the landowner’s house,. But the good part is that its not his primary residence,. So we’ll have free roam for all month with like the exception of one or two weekends,.. I’m anxious to get moved in,.. which will happen some time next week,.. On another good note, my medication seems to have leveled off and I’m feeling absolutely great,.. I hope I can get the positive momentum going,.. yet another positive, is what I already mentioned,.. That’s the checks I’ll be getting from the government,.. So I’ll be happy to have my own money once again,.. the other great thing is that the house that we’re going to be renting is like a mile away from this place called Alexander Greenhouses,.. And I’m super stoked about applying there,.. It’s exactly the job I’d been wanting to get,.. Being that I’m immensely interested in learning about horticulture, and all the other interesting things I can learn about the plant business,.. So with all that said,.. I just want to say that I hope I can keep the good times rolling and open up to a new world brought about all these positive changes,..

So I’ve been taking 40 mgs of ant-depressants every morning now for about a week,.. thats up from 20, that I’d been taking before,.. Of course thats in addition to the anti-psychotic medicine that the doc raised back up to 15 mgs about a half a month ago,.. So all this dose changing got me thinking,.. If milligrams were any indicator of progress,. it would seem that I’m sliding backwards,.. I know, I know,. that is just the cynical way to look at things,.. But if I were getting better, the doses would be going down, not up,.. So I wonder what aspects of my life have gotten better,.. Well, for one I think that I’ve greatly minimized the anxiety I feel around other people,.. I’m starting to show signs of being able to think critically again,.. For the past year, when I’m talking with anyone,. the anxiety is so overwhelming that I have no room for rational thought,.. I’ve been reading alot recently, and have noticed that I’m starting to be able to concentrate a little better than in the past, I’m really excited about this,.. I think the ability to focus is going to be a major key to my recovery,.. For me focus will be the precursor to intelligent conversation with other people,.. as well as being the first step toward an informed and un-biased outlook on life,.. I’ve been reading this book, Transcend,. It talks about how to connect with the spiritual side to life,.. Well one of the things that it says is that some artists, and other people,. have no ability to logically think,. in other words they are completely consumed by there own spirituality,.. well I couldn’t help but think that I am like those people,.. Even though at times my mind seems to be purely analytical,. it still seems to me that I have all this knowledge instinctively,.. Like I’ve been given rationalists mind that operates on spirituality,.. A mind that intuitively understands logic,.. To me that sounds incredibly contradictory,. but it parallels the way my life is,.. Hmmm,..  I just thought of one thing that throws a wrench into all those statements,.the problem is that in temperament testing,. those who test possitive for the INTP type are called “the thinkers”,.. Well the N in INTP stands for iNtuitive,. What all this means is that intuition and logic aren’t neccessarily on different plains,. although my common sense tells me otherwise,.. For the moment I remain completely confused with all this talk of temperaments and sprituality,. I think I’m gonna have to sleep on all this and get it figured out later,..

While I’m typing though,. I might as well share all the good news I’ve recieved recently,.. I’ve been approved for Social Security Dissability,.. From now on, I’ll be recieving 920 dollars a month,. I’ll also get an initial check for about 4 thousand in back pay for the months that I’ve been unable to work,.. So with the expectation of getting a huge check in the mail, we decided that I needed a new computer,. so we bought one, and its in the mail, on its way here, and I can’t wait,.. Its got the Pentium 4 with the HT technology,… So basically I’m really excited to be getting it in,.. Although I do have some reservations about the whole thing,.. Well,. for one, I don’t really feel like I deserve the thing,.. The second is if I really needed a new computer, since I’ve already got one that does just about everything I need to do,.. I mean don’t get me wrong,. I really, really want a new one, but at the time it was like a spontaneous thing,. I was just like,..” YEAH lets get it!!!”,.. but now that I think about it,. we could have just bought a cheap modem to put in the one that I already have, and I could have done just about everything I wanted to do,.. Damn, I feel kind of shitty for not thinking this through before we threw down 300 on a new one,.. I guess its a good thing to be kind of regretful,. It means that I havn’t failed to recognise the importance of prioritizing in the matters of monetary distribution,.. I’ll just have to keep in mind that I’m very fortunate for the things I do have,.. As long as I can remain modest I think things will eventually work out the way I forsee them to,…

Symptoms of Extreme Social Anxiety again,.. The Doc bumped my meds back up to 15 mgs,.. So I suppose its going to be two forward and one back,.. At least for a while,.. And I guess thats okay,. Considering I’m battling the equivalency of the anti-christ, I suppose some battles can be losses just as log as I get where I want to go in the long run,.. So I ask myself,. Where do I want to go,.. Hell,. I have no clue,.. I’d at least like the satisfaction of beating all the inner demons I’m currently facing,.. Sometimes I get so discouraged,. Like I’ve made no progress what so ever,.. but then there are times when I feel a hundred percent,. so I suppose the reality lies somewhere in the middle,.. I suppose the only thing I’d really like to have is the feeling of being content with myself and what I’ve accomplished,.. As for now,. I constantly feel below par,.. I’m just so fucking scared that the the bottom is going to fall out all in an instant and God’s voice will boom down,. lightning striking me to the ground, and his hand casting me into hell,..  It’s a irrational thought but it serves a purpose,. It’s good to be afraid a little bit,.. Just enough to keep me from going off the deep end,.. But damn,.. Sometimes its just so fucking hard to deal with all this,.. I know I’ve came a long way from where I was,. that being a suicidal shizo, about six months ago,. But when I compare how far I’ve come with how far I still need to go,. well its an incredibly unbalanced equation,.. For now I’m trying to calm all the symptoms on the surface,. but like an iceburg,. it seems ninty percent of the mass of problems lie beneath the surface,.. But maybe it will be similar to the domino effect,. I’ve got some reasoning for this,.. If I can control what I;m doing on the outside then that will eventually lead to higher self-confidence and will work against all the paranoia I’m still experiencing,.. That in turn will lead to a more sane life,.. Then maybe I can start working on what I truly care about instead of having to constantly worry about stupid bullshit, like Ohh my God What Are These People Thinking About Me,.. Yeah I can’t wait for that,.. Then I can maybe actually go out in public and talk to people instead of always thinking about myself and how much I don’t fit in,.. I don’t know,.. Maybe I’m just not trying hard enough,.,. or maybe I’m missing some simple little thing that will make everything make sense,.. I’ve thought about how some people in the world work like dogs and still have nothing to their name,.. Well I kind of compare those people to me,.. Like I’ve worked so incredibly hard at fixing my problems but still really have more bad than good,.. Like in terms of sanity I’m still flat broke,.. That really isn’t a good analogy,. Well,. ’cause sanity was never my goal in life,.. but there are things tied to it that I would like to have,.. Anyway back on track,. I’ve been working hard as hell but havn’t made near as much progress as I theoretically should have,.. Well to help me figure out why I havn’t I’ll use the example of poor people who despite working hard still make no monetary progress,.. Well,. one of the things that I came up with is that instead of focusing on the major reasons for there setbacks,. like a strict budget,. they falsely,. or sub-consciously,. create these little problems in their life and choose to always fight with them,.. Of course this could be complete bullshit, but it makes sense to me that they do this so that they can avoid the problems that really plague them,.. Because it is far easier to battle with non-significant objective obstacles, then trying to fix the root problems,.. So applying this logic to my own life it would seem that I need to somehow brush the little nagging problems aside and really focus on the underlying threat,.. So, a question,… What is the major problem in my life right now? Hmmm,.. this is proving very difficult to answer,.. I’m scared to death of being negatively judged by other people,.. Uhmmm,. what else,.. It seems to me that I lack will power,.. I’ve always just gone with the flow and let other people do the leading and now when I’ve found myself down the wrong pathway, I have no power to turn back or switch tracks,.. I have limited control over the inner demons,.. For a while I let them fester and now they’re bigger than I am,.. Again,. I lack the power to control them and tell them to go away when they’re not wanted,.. I have problems controlling all the bad thoughts that seem to exude from within at the most in-opportune times,..  That’s a major setback for me,. I spend my time trying to control them when they shouldn’t even be there,.. Then its like after I’ve had a bad thought about something,. I feel the need to immediately sooth my conscience by thinking of a positive thing to put in it’s place,.. That alone is draining most of my energy,.. Yeah,.. So I’ll say that is probably the major thing that I should work on for now,… Stopping all the negative thoughts,… Hmmm,.. sounds easy,. but I’m sure in a few days I’ll have forgotten all about it and gone back to my normal routine of playing the insanity card,.. Damn that sounds so shitty saying that,.. But that is what my life has come down to,.. when the pressure is on, In defence I run and hide being the big label of Schizophrenic,… Perhaps that is the simple thing that I’ve been missing,.. that I’ve been running away and hiding behind the label of insanity,.. That I’m not making myself be normal,.. Just stopping everything and saying to myself,.. You Are Not Crazy,… Hmm,… I shall try that then,.. Well we’ll just have to see what happens,..

So, I just need to get something straightened out in my head,.. I had a thought on time travel,. Well,. it seems that it won’t be possible for some time yet,. but I thought that maybe there are already time travellers here now,.. and if there aren’t that it is quite selfish to think that we are the first in a series of infinite realities effected by said time travellers,..  There was a second level to the reasoning associtated with this logical annomoly however it seems to have eledued me,..

So subconsciously I took another drink,. and with it gulped up a small peice of ice,… As it crumbled away dissoving into water I thought well that was a clue pertaining to some sciuentific breakthrough realating to time travel,.. then I thought no, no it was something else,.. it was my way of saying to my self that that idea is gone,. gone forever,. it will never come back,. and so that was my farewell to the breakthrough,..

So just now I was reading an article about William Blake on Wikipedia, and a thought arose,.. It had to do with the way in which the wiki site is run,. it only functions with the participation of its members,. they edit and submit articles with no expectation of retribution, other than the pride of having helped the community as a whole,.. in an instant; I paralleled the members of wikipedia to myself and my life to the site,.. in doing so, I likened my life to an ongoing project, and if I’d of lived it the way it ought to be lived, the end of which would bear little self-atonement,.. The second part to the thought was that I’d eventually stop trying as hard to be a good person and my life would slowly fade to mediocrity,.. Now this is all fine, until the the third part to the thought made itself apparent,. it told me that since my life was comparable to wikipedia’s site that if my life were to fade to non-significance that so to would wikipedia’s site,. so eventually it’s members would no longer submit new articles, and would slowly stop editing any existing material,.. I’ve gotta say,. I find all this to be incredibly disturbing,.. It’s almost like for an instant, I felt like I was all there was,. that nothing was more important than I,. That the universe in fact did revolve around myself and therefore the rest of the world was forced to mirror the actions of the ubiquitous entity know as Clint,..

In retrospect,.. The thought itself represents a logical anomaly,.. If my life were to fade to mediocrity, then the fact in and of itself would prove that I was not the chosen one the thought portrays,.. So I am now thankful for the art of contemplation and the ongoing cycle that it stops so that it can say,. “That’s good enough”,..

I foresee a major setback in the continuation of the posts on this blog,.. Not in the form of a writer’s block this time though,.. It now seems that I’m currently switching to a new phase in my life; upon which, the completion of said transformation will entail a new pattern of contemplating on and expressing ideas,… So with that said, the most obvious of changes will be  a new writing style, hence hindering the compilation of cogitation I’ve been collecting here,…

Its been weeks since I’ve posted anything,.. But, I’m not without my reasons,. We’ve Moved! I here its one of the most stressful of any sittuation, second to the death of a relative, so its said,.. Anyway, I’m without regular access to the net now,. quite sad from my point of view, A few weeks ago I’d of said I was addicted to the internet, but I’ve kind of gotten used to not being on it all the time, which is a good thing I suppose,. I’ve gotten on here and written some rough drafts for posts for some things that have been on my mind, and as soon as I finish them, I’ll get ‘em posted,. But for now I just wanted to update a little bit,…

Hmmm,. I think I just thought of another possible reason, or excuse, for my being fucked up,.. Well,. the thought was that people opperate on different levels of understanding and vary in the way that they process information,.. In vague contrast to the norm,. it seems to me that I've always tried to process data that lies slightly outside my understanding, possibly in an attempt to further my seemingly narrow vision of things,.. So instead of opperating on a level I understand thoroughly, I've always tried,. and perhaps with limited success,  to grasp knowledge that, for me, can't be understood,.. So instead of developing thought processes on a level compatible with my capacity for learning, I've been trying to expand something that isn't easily expanded,.. So now what I'm left with is a contradiction in learning, always thinking there is some deeper level to things, and always thinking that I'm not grasping that which is meant to be taken form a session of contemplation,.. 

I've noticed something that might be seen as a byproduct of being this way,.  That being that if I find some flaw in my previous work, I feel a great urge to immediatly dein the work and point out the flaws therein,.. I also rarely bolster the possitives,. It seems this is further evidence for the previous argument stating that there's always some hidden factor that I don't readily grasp that might sway oppinions in one way or another,. so for the sake of not being found ignorant I prefer to keep my mouth shut,..  In consequence,. I've failed in developing confidence in my work or myself,.. In place of pride I've substituted extreme modesty,. While being modest may be a good thing in moderation, in today's culture it becomes a negative factor in large amounts,..

I can't help but ponder,. what if I'd only foccused on that which is easily understood,.. Would I give off an aura of intelligence, the very thing that I've tried in vain to acquire? Or maybe the opposite would be true,. I'd more readily fit in with the mainstream of people, whom I am now disconnected from,.. On a different note, I ask myself,. what possitive result stems from this method of learning,.. Well, for one,.  I think I've grown to be a very open-minded individual, So thats a good thing,. Maybe another possitive is that I don't imediately deny accusations becuase I understand that a wide array of things are possible,..

So What If,… What if time doesn't exist,. at least in the sense that we currently percieve it,. what if its only something that is there to help us make sense of things,. How is that possible, You Ask?  Well, How About if we ourselves only existed as a storage center of ideas and experiences,. An entity, similar to a hard drive in a computer, that connects and plugs in moments with various patterns that would only afterwards resmeble a timeline, hence creating a percieved reality based on time,..  

Based upon the argument,. Time isn't something that follows experiences,.. it is something that we create by arranging moments around it,.. One might say,. Time is a byproduct of our constant friction of tying together experience,.

So what if this is all found to be true,.. What would it mean?  I think it would mean that our fate is already mapped out, that we are not in control of our destiny, for it has already been lived, and that now we are only trying to understand the experience in a new light,.. Given these revalations,. I think that it would be better to believe otherwise,. even if it was proven,.. It seems to me that Such ideas only serve to further our confusion and beset the harmony we are all seeking to gain,..

I just had a thought,.. gimme a second to remember it,. I was thinking about how I want to be someone I'm currently not,. that person would be,. a thinker. Yeah someone who's thought processes were more involved than the average,.  Someone who's IQ was rather high, with a pronounced wit, and keen eye for observation,.. I was just thinking that since I'm currently a slight bit below par in the feilds of intelligence, than it would naturally follow suit that the time for these changes would be prefferably, as soon as possible,.. It seems that I could do certian exercises to buff up my brain,.. But there are hinderences,.. one such is that it takes years for people to develope these qualities,. also, it would take longer due to the fact that some of the things in my life have to be let go of,. things like thinking in certian ways, and expressing traits that become present in sittuation due to habits learned for over twenty years,.. At any rate,. being that I'm still of young age and posses a rather malleable mind, these changes can be made,. It might take several years for them to become pronounced, and it also might take years to learn the neccessary information to be put through the thought proccess in order that they would have actual meaning,.. Yes,.. years indeed,. But it can, and will be done,. for this is my goal,. my main goal in life,. You see,. I used to think that I was living the way I thought was best, but that was before I actually opened my eyes to the world around me,. although I'm still in the process of gaining my vision, I think the major things have been set forth,. that is I am setting my sights on what it is that I wish to get from this existance,. And that is to be a learning man,. An Idea Man,.. yes, that is my wish,. to be a man of and for the people,… My Wish,. My Wish Indeed,….

My life is a broken window,.

I represent only a sliver of it,.

The rest exists as a spider's web of cracks,.

I am a shard laying hopelessly on the floor,.

Awaiting Societies Broom to sweep me away,.

The bristles thrusting me into the dustbin of insanity,.

Where I will remain, a trinket of antiquity,.

Never again will light shine through me,.

Before the incident, I would proudly refract rays of sun,

Displaying A rainbow of colors on your white walls,

Warming your face as you stared through me,.

To you, I was always clear,

So now that I'm gone,

Let the breeze remind you I was here once,…

Here recently it seems that life has been dealing myself and my mother an extra helping of bullshit,… Well,. I wrote earlier about the wreck I was in where we were assured that the guilty parties' insurance would take care of everything,. But now it turns out that the guy who owns the car's daughter wasn't insured,. so now the insurance won't pay out the money for my totalled truck,. on top of that, the truck has just been sitting at a towing yard where unbenounced to us,. the price of its storage is a hefty 25 dollars per day, which we are supposed to pay,. So I think with all these revalations, were going to tell that damned guy to fuck himself 'cause were taking him to court where we'll try to pry a good two grand from his money grubbing fingers,… That is of course if he decides not to settle where he could possibly exscape the added penalties of court and lawyer fees,. his choice,. either way we're getting what we want,..

Reffering to myself,.. at times I feel so devolved from what is common,.. And god fobid I stumble across someone else's work whos even remotely talented,.. Then it spurs a reaction not dissimilar to this post,.. A reawakening to the shitty truth that my life really is pathetic, and I'm really not good at anything except losing,.. Or maybe this post is just a cry directed at some anonymous person from across the globe to answer my pathetic whining with a false reassurance that I'm being too hard on myself,.. Yeah,. again How Pathetic,… But I suppose that is one thing that makes me who I am,. I'm not afraid to share anytihng, and my sense of humility knows no bounds,…

About ten minutes ago I went outside to have a cigarrete, as I normally do throughout my day, and sitting there on our back porch I looked over to the neighbor's house where some workers were repairing the brickwork along their outer wall,.. As they worked,. they had their van doors open blasting Mexican radio,.. form this sight, I couldn't help but come to the conclusion that they must have a great sense of pride in their native land, and it's culture,.. I say this becasue I couldn't imagine sharing the music I listen to with the rest of the world, simply becasue I don't have pride in the way I am and things I enjoy,.. Moreover,. I thought about pride, and how it is a great virtue in and of itself,.. For in order to have pride, one must first be assured that they are in the right, and that their actions are pure and true to some noble cause,.. Now I'm not sure what causes people to blare loud music in a country foreign to their own,. however what it does show is that they have pure intentions, and are set in the ways they feel are true to their personal beliefs,…

So yesterday I finnally finished an article I've been working on,. Applied Reason to (My) Life,. its a bit lengthy but it should make for good reading if youre at all interested in how other people view there lives,. It can get a little technical, but overall I think there's a little something for everyone,.. I've also got a new page presenting an argument about people and if they are really to blame for there faults,. might be of interest,.. anyway I really havn't had much to talk about in my posts, but once I think of something to write about, I'll update,…..

Just realised HAHA in spanish is JAJA

I've filed all the paperwork concerning my disability status, now its an agonizing two week wait to find out if I get the benefit of getting paid to sit around the house all day… I've been thinking about it alot lately, and if I deserve it or not. My better judgement tells me I do not. But since I've been out of work for nearly half a year I'd say its worth a shot.  I suppose I could think of it in terms of just shifting the support off my mother's shoulders and giving it to the government. Yeah,. that actually makes me feel a little better,… In the years before my mental illness,. I couldn't image myself ever getting on disability. My how the times have changed. Now instead of working, I spend my days in front of a computer doing what ever the hell I feel like. It sounds like a great way to live,. but its not. In fact its horrible. My sense of self-worth has plumeted over the past year. My confidence deffinately lacks and boredom controlls my every action. Then I think if thats all I have to complain about then I'm alot better off than I give myself credit for,… I just think that if I get on disability its gonna be alot harder to find pride in anything I do,. thats all.

So I was thinking about how such a small thing could lead a potentially huge reaction. One such thing I realised while taking a shower. I took my shampoo bottle from the rack that hangs from the shower head, and when I put it back,. my mother's smaller shower gel tube had fallen over and I put the bottle back anyway,.so that now the bottle was sitting on top of the smaller tube of gel. Now this seems such an entirely small thing for someone to get upset about,. however I couldn't ever see my self leaving things that way. Now my Mom and I think alike, and I know that the small inconvienance would have made a large negative impression on myself from her point of view. It all has to do with respect. I placed that bottle on top of that smaller tube. No question about it. And if I would have left it that way it would have surely meant that I had no respect for her possessions. I placed my objects above hers. And hence, a seemingly small inconvenience of picking up a shampoo bottle to extract that small but equally important tube of shower gel becomes seen as a blatant disregard for authority,..

So there I was,. minding my own, and following the rules of the road,.. on the way to my weekly meeting at the couseller's office,. when all of a sudden, a young girl decides to pull her minivan right into my lane, where inevebillity would cause our two paths to collide, right there in the middle of that suburbian intersection,. It happened in half a moments time,. apparantly she didn't see me, and pulled out to make her left turn, then upon realising she'd pulled out in front of me, froze. So there I am not knowing whether to swerve to the left or right, slammed on the brakes and just kept sliding until BAM,. my truck collided into her front driver's side door,. cuasing her van to spin around into the opposing lane. In shock I sat for a good three seconds, then realising I wasn't hurt turned to see the sheer horror on her face. I yelled "Are you okay!?",… no answer. In fear I shouted once more ,"ARE YOU HURT!!??" She mumbled a shaken reply which assured me she was just in shock but had no serious injuries. I pulled my truck over alongside the curb and attempted to break my door free but to no avail,. so I scooted over and out of the passenger side door. In a frantic maneuver I sprinted over to where her van had came to stop, once again checking to see if she had been injured, she said something I don't remember but I knew she was okay. My next instinct was to get straight on the phone and call up my mom… "Mom,.. I've had a wreck.." I could feel the horror rip through her. "But everyones okay,. and it wasn't my fault." -She breathed a heavy sigh of releif. It was then that two good samaritans shouted to me that they'd called in the accident and the ambulances were on ther way. Two of them, and a firetruck, and two police cars,.. a bit too much in my oppinion,. but better more than less in this kind of incident. Upon arrival, all the attention was on that dark blue minivan and it's frail driver.  They hurriedly got her into the back of one of the ambulances where she remained for a good while. Meanwhile I stood leaning against the bed of my now crippled vehicle, watching all the comotion.  The firemen sweeping up broken glass,. the police officers flagging traffic around the vehicles that now sat squarely in the center of intersection. My Mom arrived some minutes later and I assured her and the officials I was okay,.. A little shaken up, but okay. The tow trucks arrived a few minutes later to pick up and transport the two broken vehicles to their new destinations at the towing yard. I was assured the insurance would handle everything,. then we all went on our way. Overall,. at least for myself, the experience was a huge break in the monotany that has become my life. From the initial shock of the collision to everything that came after it,… I still remember the disturbing look on that poor girl's face,. a look stemming from the fact that she'd wrecked what was surely her parent's car. Realising it was her who was in the wrong, her who'd caused untold greif upon the lives of her family and herself. Laying awake last night thinking about all the events that unfolded yesterday I couldn't help but feel sorry for her. While other people might have only been thinking about how much money they could make out of the deal,. and all the other bullshit that comes from the insurance companies,. no instead I thought to myself,. Damn, that would suck so fucking much! To be in her shoes and to go through what here family pottentially might put her through. My heart deffinatiley goes out to them, so much so that I almost feel bad for not being able to change what happened. Maybe If I olny would have swerved to right instead of the left, then maybe we wouldn't have had to go through all this. But, then I say to myself, things happened and they can't be changed, so I'll just leave it at that.

Ive been trying to come up with something worthwhile to write about,. but can't seem to get any ideas flowing.  I'm not sure if it is because my mind is numb from all this medicine I'm taking or if I'm just in one of those personal funks where being passive is better than trying to fight against the slowness of my mind. Its a shame that some of the time my ideas come at me faster than I can remember them,. and then at other times(like when I need them),.. nothing at all,.  ahhh, if only I could balance the equation,.. then I would have more than enough originality on here and could keep the momentum of my posts going… Somehow I don't think thats going happen,. nah I foresee a major setback ahead. A sort of writer's block. But perhaps I can push though it, if I force myself to write about something. I suppose it really doesn't matter what I write about on here,. maybe I could do like most other people do on their blogs and just write about how their day was and what activities they've done,. or write about some article I've read on the net. Sure I could do that, but then it wouldn't be original. Yea,. instead I'll write about writing. Oh wait I already am,…..

We live in an era of great significance; So great in fact that it would, to any smart person, imply a time of unfothomable coincidence. With the heralding of the digital age we as humans have embarked on a short journey to an all encompasing knowledge of our place here in the universe. In a short time we will have unravelled the secrets of nature and learned to employ them to our bidding. We will also probably be witnesss to the merger of religion and science or to the birth of a new philosphy regarding beliefs and how they govern our every action. I could possibly elaborate on this topic a seemingly infinite amount, however I think I've summarized well enough why this very well might be the best time ever,. to be in this exact place at this exact time,…

I wonder if I truly care about philosophy, and beliefs, and all the extra baggage that goes along with the subjects of reasoning. Maybe I do not. Perhaps I am only trying to find some obscure truth to apply to myself so that I can move on and out of the shadows of self doubt. If that were true then I do not care about anything other than my own well being,. which seems more than plausable given the examples of the people in this world.

Whilst I was spending the weekend at my stepfather's,. I spent two valuable hours wasting away staring at the flickering screen proudly displaying a feature length,. "Bear",. and might I say,. A hell of a show. What made this unheard of film worthy of recognition here?… Well,. first let me give a brief summary of it's plot. The film follows a bear cub who lost his mother to a tragic accident of a falling rock to the skull,. The cub then meets up with a dominating male counter part who shows him the ways of the wild. It was really kind of cheesy but the importance lies in the clutches of one key scene in which the cub,. "comes of age" by means of a trip on Hallucinogenic (Strophariaceae Psilocybe) Mushrooms. Shortly following his mis-consumption of the drug, the cub falls into a life-altering dream state where he learns the depth of his existance. Whilst watching the story unfold on the screen before me, I couldn't help but be reminded of my own spiritual journey with the common shroom… So a quick Story?,.. Okay here goes,… It was late that fourth of July, and drugs were at an all time high in terms of accesibility. So naturally my friends and I decided to take full advantage of the evenings festivities and we all threw down for a passell of Magic Mushrooms,. Ahhh,.. I remember it like it was last night. There we were,. me and twelve of my closest high shcool friends,. sitting on that grassy hill over looking Lake Buchanan, with the night's moon hanging in a cloudless, stary sky, sofly luminating our local surroundings. As the mind changing substance slowly started its onset, I began to notice some odd effects that were now being made apparant as hallucinations. To explain this as simply as possible,.. my twelve compatriots were no longer seperate entities,. they had become peices of myself. So instead of seeing my friends,. what I saw was a seperate part of my own personality,… Just like I had been divided and rationed out to the people I saw before me. We had the tripped out kid,. the smart observer the witty conversationalists and those who were just soaking in all the enjoyment of the night. and,. I for a large part of the evening sat stary eyed studying all the mannerisms I saw comparing every one to myself and trying to prove that what I was seeing was in fact the noble truth I had been seeking for the better part of a year. Of course as the effects wore off, my senses inevitably came back but only after a centuries' worth of experiences flew by, back there on that small town night,… Its been said that every time you trip on drugs like shrooms or acid your supposed to learn something either about your self or about your existance. Now,. I've only tripped one time, but I'd say that the experience deffinately qualifies as a spiritual journey,. The only bad part is,.. I didn't get answers,. just more questions,. leading to more problems in my life… Now that I think of it,. that was around the time in my life when I was really into pot,. and the time that my mind underwent the most "expansion". The way I see it, is that I kind of quite too early,. I went through this enormous phase in my life of finding questions regarding my place in the world but didn't get to go through the next phase where my questions would either be answered or at least find something to fill the void that now existed,. It can kind of be compared to being stuck in pergatory,. an in-between place where people still need to find key information for there reason for being. But perhaps,. the fact that I now have this blog says in itself that I've taken steps to get myself out of that phase and on with my life. I just have to let go of alot of the problem areas that stem from that mind altering phase in my life.

When I think about the universe,. I'm really just thinking about myself, only on a larger scale.

 From An Old Journal Of Mine,….

I wonder how long it will take
for our society to refer to other
cultures in a scientific way.
One such tool for identifying
other peoples is temperment typology.
It can be directly relational to race
and religion.. So rather than putting
things in Black or White,. We could
say,"Introverted thinking, or
Extroverted Feeling" In this way
we can begin to accept other's
differences, and begin to understand
why all temperments are neccesary
for the system to work..  Because
all forms of people are important.
Not just the judgers,. but also
the percievers,….

I've been pondering the reason for my lack of material to write about,.. and it occured to me what was happening,.. unconsciously I had been telling myself not to post anything new, unless I could write a better one than the previous posts,. as if this blog is so damned important that I'd have to make it into something to be proud of,.. but I figured I would put something new on here anyway, just to try to get a little substance on here,.. Once again, I place quantity over quality for the sake of being content.  So heres to being content,…..

IFD,.. a disease I happen to be acutely affected with,… After publishing the last post,.. I re-read over the article,.. and upon completion the rigors of my illness made themselves keenly apparent.. Yes I find nothing but disgust in the words I have written. You see, I am a conglomerant of a man. Comprised of many peices, small and large. All the problems I face stem from that very idea,. that being that I am only a puzzle built of pieces that can be plucked away and re-arranged at will. The peices are formulations of my past experiences, and are subject to revision due to the failing memory I possess. At anyrate the constant choas I experience due to the rival factions that fight their wars in my mind make for a quite disturbing picture as I write away in these journals,…

In contrast to American culture,. Monday is my day of rest… I spend all weekend with other people, as compared to being alone nearly all week.. So, given my condition,. it really takes a toll on my senses. So I get home late sunday night, go straight to bed then wake in the morning to a relaxing atmoshpere.. home alone till about six thirty when my mom arives from work… It’s really great, but by the end of the week I’m all but craving human interaction.. but by then it’ll be time to go see the grandparents or like this weekend,. my stepfather. I had a great time this past weekend, really. It was alot of fun,. grooming the horses and fishing were our two main activities,.. Working with the horses was a new experience for me,.. surprisingly they turned out to be remarkably docile creatures, soaking up any attention they could get. So we groomed them for about an hour, cleaning the mud they had caked on their hides from trying to rid themselves of the small nat-like flies that lay eggs on their manes and tails. I know cleaning mud from an animal doesn’t sound like much fun, but it really was… I’m not quite sure what it was that made the experience so pleasurable but I’m sure at had something to do with the sheer size of them, they’re huge! Unlike working with a dog who is like a hundred times smaller.. Don’t get me wrong,. working with dogs can be very entertaining also, but nothing like horses (My oppinion of course),. So we finished grooming the horses and after a short hiatus we embarked on the five mile journey to a freind of my father’s stock tank for some serious fishing,.. I don’t think I’ve caught as many in one trip as we did this past sunday,.. Somewhere around ten pearch,… For me that is quite an acheivement,… In terms of fishing, however, there is a fine line between quantity and quality. In other words, catching small fish gets old past a certian amount, but still in yet it was a great time. I had really wanted to hook a big bass, but that didn’t happen, catching all those pearch was enjoyable enough, so in no way was I dissatisfied,.. So that’s how my weekend was,. I think next weekend we’ll do it all over again,. so I’ll have some thing to look forward to.

What's a word for impressing one's self,.. anyway, just a few mins. ago, I had done just that, after reading over my last post. Long before I had wrote the post, I was thinking about how to get more traffic to the site and one of the things I had thought of was to plug in key words that would commonly show up in a search while people are searching for blogs.. And it wasn't until I re-read my post that I learned I had done just that… To me that says a whole lot. It really shows how heavily our unconscience thought weighs on our actions.. It was quite a pleasant surprise to find that something back there is working for me rather than against me,… 

Well, today marks day number three that I’ve just been sitting around the house reading and what not, and still have nothing important to say on here,.. I suppose it turns out that this will end up being the blog of mediocrity after all,..  Being that I’ve had plenty to say in past whilst scribbling away in notebooks, my thinking must have slowed down. No thoughts on philosophy, life, religion, or anything,.. Maybe thats a good thing though,. For my problems may have very well come from same place as those thoughts… And if that is the case than I just assume let that part of me fade away, and sell out to the mainstream; Trade in all the thoughts in the world for a taste of normalcy.

Here's a site I found googling my way through the net,.. A damn good read,.. http://clintwbrooks.wordpress.com/wp-admin/www.paulgraham.com/nerds.html

I always need that extra fuel in the AM to get me going. Then I'm all impulse laden and need to calm down with a tall glass of sweet tea.. Thats just me though, no in-between, all black&white,.. no gray..

Got back last night from another weekend at the grand 'rents,…  Everything went good,.. laid back and unimposing as the days rolled by,.. Over the past few days, I'd thought of a couple different things that I wanted to write about,. But now that I'm here I can't remember them,…  Something mildly philosophical I'm sure,. Damn,..   My memory really sucks lately.  Well I'll be sittin' at home all week, so I'm sure I'll write anything the instant I think of it,…

Hello world,.. this marks a new era in my life,. my first ever blog… To tell the truth I haven't a clue as to what to write about or how often I'll have anything important enough to say, but we'll just have to see what happens,… Anyway, I hold high hopes for this blog and in the mean time, I can practice my writing and communication skills as those are some of my priorities lately. So a little about myself,.. for starters,. I'm a twenty-one year old unemployed person living at home due to a diagnosed mental illness, termed schizophrenia….. Actually its a mix of major depression and social anxiety but those doctors were quick to slap on the all-encompassing label after only a short questionare.. It's all good though,.. cause I finally feel like the uphill battle has been one and now its just an effort to keep the possitive momentum and not fall back down to the depths that I've stuggled to crawl out of,..  The latest medicine I've been prescribed to has a whole lot to do with helping cope with all the problems I face…  It's a recent pharm. cocktail of zyprexa (anti-physchotic) and celexa (anti-depressant).. I've been on the zyprexa for over a month now and its really sedating but now that I'm on the anti-depresants my mood is over-all possitive so it all balances out,.. The two really do work well together,. one increases appitite while the other decreases it,. the same goes for the drowsyness and impulsive characteristics of the medicines… So now that I'm finally on the right track to well-ness,. I figure I'd start a blog to document my progress and all the in-between stuff that may come out of left field,. I know that I've still got a long way to go and that this is just the beginning of a new phase in my life,. But thank the lord,. its going to be a possitive and self-improving one,..