So I’ve been taking 40 mgs of ant-depressants every morning now for about a week,.. thats up from 20, that I’d been taking before,.. Of course thats in addition to the anti-psychotic medicine that the doc raised back up to 15 mgs about a half a month ago,.. So all this dose changing got me thinking,.. If milligrams were any indicator of progress,. it would seem that I’m sliding backwards,.. I know, I know,. that is just the cynical way to look at things,.. But if I were getting better, the doses would be going down, not up,.. So I wonder what aspects of my life have gotten better,.. Well, for one I think that I’ve greatly minimized the anxiety I feel around other people,.. I’m starting to show signs of being able to think critically again,.. For the past year, when I’m talking with anyone,. the anxiety is so overwhelming that I have no room for rational thought,.. I’ve been reading alot recently, and have noticed that I’m starting to be able to concentrate a little better than in the past, I’m really excited about this,.. I think the ability to focus is going to be a major key to my recovery,.. For me focus will be the precursor to intelligent conversation with other people,.. as well as being the first step toward an informed and un-biased outlook on life,.. I’ve been reading this book, Transcend,. It talks about how to connect with the spiritual side to life,.. Well one of the things that it says is that some artists, and other people,. have no ability to logically think,. in other words they are completely consumed by there own spirituality,.. well I couldn’t help but think that I am like those people,.. Even though at times my mind seems to be purely analytical,. it still seems to me that I have all this knowledge instinctively,.. Like I’ve been given rationalists mind that operates on spirituality,.. A mind that intuitively understands logic,.. To me that sounds incredibly contradictory,. but it parallels the way my life is,.. Hmmm,..  I just thought of one thing that throws a wrench into all those statements,.the problem is that in temperament testing,. those who test possitive for the INTP type are called “the thinkers”,.. Well the N in INTP stands for iNtuitive,. What all this means is that intuition and logic aren’t neccessarily on different plains,. although my common sense tells me otherwise,.. For the moment I remain completely confused with all this talk of temperaments and sprituality,. I think I’m gonna have to sleep on all this and get it figured out later,..

While I’m typing though,. I might as well share all the good news I’ve recieved recently,.. I’ve been approved for Social Security Dissability,.. From now on, I’ll be recieving 920 dollars a month,. I’ll also get an initial check for about 4 thousand in back pay for the months that I’ve been unable to work,.. So with the expectation of getting a huge check in the mail, we decided that I needed a new computer,. so we bought one, and its in the mail, on its way here, and I can’t wait,.. Its got the Pentium 4 with the HT technology,… So basically I’m really excited to be getting it in,.. Although I do have some reservations about the whole thing,.. Well,. for one, I don’t really feel like I deserve the thing,.. The second is if I really needed a new computer, since I’ve already got one that does just about everything I need to do,.. I mean don’t get me wrong,. I really, really want a new one, but at the time it was like a spontaneous thing,. I was just like,..” YEAH lets get it!!!”,.. but now that I think about it,. we could have just bought a cheap modem to put in the one that I already have, and I could have done just about everything I wanted to do,.. Damn, I feel kind of shitty for not thinking this through before we threw down 300 on a new one,.. I guess its a good thing to be kind of regretful,. It means that I havn’t failed to recognise the importance of prioritizing in the matters of monetary distribution,.. I’ll just have to keep in mind that I’m very fortunate for the things I do have,.. As long as I can remain modest I think things will eventually work out the way I forsee them to,…