Symptoms of Extreme Social Anxiety again,.. The Doc bumped my meds back up to 15 mgs,.. So I suppose its going to be two forward and one back,.. At least for a while,.. And I guess thats okay,. Considering I’m battling the equivalency of the anti-christ, I suppose some battles can be losses just as log as I get where I want to go in the long run,.. So I ask myself,. Where do I want to go,.. Hell,. I have no clue,.. I’d at least like the satisfaction of beating all the inner demons I’m currently facing,.. Sometimes I get so discouraged,. Like I’ve made no progress what so ever,.. but then there are times when I feel a hundred percent,. so I suppose the reality lies somewhere in the middle,.. I suppose the only thing I’d really like to have is the feeling of being content with myself and what I’ve accomplished,.. As for now,. I constantly feel below par,.. I’m just so fucking scared that the the bottom is going to fall out all in an instant and God’s voice will boom down,. lightning striking me to the ground, and his hand casting me into hell,..  It’s a irrational thought but it serves a purpose,. It’s good to be afraid a little bit,.. Just enough to keep me from going off the deep end,.. But damn,.. Sometimes its just so fucking hard to deal with all this,.. I know I’ve came a long way from where I was,. that being a suicidal shizo, about six months ago,. But when I compare how far I’ve come with how far I still need to go,. well its an incredibly unbalanced equation,.. For now I’m trying to calm all the symptoms on the surface,. but like an iceburg,. it seems ninty percent of the mass of problems lie beneath the surface,.. But maybe it will be similar to the domino effect,. I’ve got some reasoning for this,.. If I can control what I;m doing on the outside then that will eventually lead to higher self-confidence and will work against all the paranoia I’m still experiencing,.. That in turn will lead to a more sane life,.. Then maybe I can start working on what I truly care about instead of having to constantly worry about stupid bullshit, like Ohh my God What Are These People Thinking About Me,.. Yeah I can’t wait for that,.. Then I can maybe actually go out in public and talk to people instead of always thinking about myself and how much I don’t fit in,.. I don’t know,.. Maybe I’m just not trying hard enough,.,. or maybe I’m missing some simple little thing that will make everything make sense,.. I’ve thought about how some people in the world work like dogs and still have nothing to their name,.. Well I kind of compare those people to me,.. Like I’ve worked so incredibly hard at fixing my problems but still really have more bad than good,.. Like in terms of sanity I’m still flat broke,.. That really isn’t a good analogy,. Well,. ’cause sanity was never my goal in life,.. but there are things tied to it that I would like to have,.. Anyway back on track,. I’ve been working hard as hell but havn’t made near as much progress as I theoretically should have,.. Well to help me figure out why I havn’t I’ll use the example of poor people who despite working hard still make no monetary progress,.. Well,. one of the things that I came up with is that instead of focusing on the major reasons for there setbacks,. like a strict budget,. they falsely,. or sub-consciously,. create these little problems in their life and choose to always fight with them,.. Of course this could be complete bullshit, but it makes sense to me that they do this so that they can avoid the problems that really plague them,.. Because it is far easier to battle with non-significant objective obstacles, then trying to fix the root problems,.. So applying this logic to my own life it would seem that I need to somehow brush the little nagging problems aside and really focus on the underlying threat,.. So, a question,… What is the major problem in my life right now? Hmmm,.. this is proving very difficult to answer,.. I’m scared to death of being negatively judged by other people,.. Uhmmm,. what else,.. It seems to me that I lack will power,.. I’ve always just gone with the flow and let other people do the leading and now when I’ve found myself down the wrong pathway, I have no power to turn back or switch tracks,.. I have limited control over the inner demons,.. For a while I let them fester and now they’re bigger than I am,.. Again,. I lack the power to control them and tell them to go away when they’re not wanted,.. I have problems controlling all the bad thoughts that seem to exude from within at the most in-opportune times,..  That’s a major setback for me,. I spend my time trying to control them when they shouldn’t even be there,.. Then its like after I’ve had a bad thought about something,. I feel the need to immediately sooth my conscience by thinking of a positive thing to put in it’s place,.. That alone is draining most of my energy,.. Yeah,.. So I’ll say that is probably the major thing that I should work on for now,… Stopping all the negative thoughts,… Hmmm,.. sounds easy,. but I’m sure in a few days I’ll have forgotten all about it and gone back to my normal routine of playing the insanity card,.. Damn that sounds so shitty saying that,.. But that is what my life has come down to,.. when the pressure is on, In defence I run and hide being the big label of Schizophrenic,… Perhaps that is the simple thing that I’ve been missing,.. that I’ve been running away and hiding behind the label of insanity,.. That I’m not making myself be normal,.. Just stopping everything and saying to myself,.. You Are Not Crazy,… Hmm,… I shall try that then,.. Well we’ll just have to see what happens,..