Hmmm,. I think I just thought of another possible reason, or excuse, for my being fucked up,.. Well,. the thought was that people opperate on different levels of understanding and vary in the way that they process information,.. In vague contrast to the norm,. it seems to me that I've always tried to process data that lies slightly outside my understanding, possibly in an attempt to further my seemingly narrow vision of things,.. So instead of opperating on a level I understand thoroughly, I've always tried,. and perhaps with limited success, to grasp knowledge that, for me, can't be understood,.. So instead of developing thought processes on a level compatible with my capacity for learning, I've been trying to expand something that isn't easily expanded,.. So now what I'm left with is a contradiction in learning, always thinking there is some deeper level to things, and always thinking that I'm not grasping that which is meant to be taken form a session of contemplation,..
I've noticed something that might be seen as a byproduct of being this way,. That being that if I find some flaw in my previous work, I feel a great urge to immediatly dein the work and point out the flaws therein,.. I also rarely bolster the possitives,. It seems this is further evidence for the previous argument stating that there's always some hidden factor that I don't readily grasp that might sway oppinions in one way or another,. so for the sake of not being found ignorant I prefer to keep my mouth shut,.. In consequence,. I've failed in developing confidence in my work or myself,.. In place of pride I've substituted extreme modesty,. While being modest may be a good thing in moderation, in today's culture it becomes a negative factor in large amounts,..
I can't help but ponder,. what if I'd only foccused on that which is easily understood,.. Would I give off an aura of intelligence, the very thing that I've tried in vain to acquire? Or maybe the opposite would be true,. I'd more readily fit in with the mainstream of people, whom I am now disconnected from,.. On a different note, I ask myself,. what possitive result stems from this method of learning,.. Well, for one,. I think I've grown to be a very open-minded individual, So thats a good thing,. Maybe another possitive is that I don't imediately deny accusations becuase I understand that a wide array of things are possible,..
