Awaiting Judgement Tuesday, May 23 2006
General 9:01 pm
I've filed all the paperwork concerning my disability status, now its an agonizing two week wait to find out if I get the benefit of getting paid to sit around the house all day… I've been thinking about it alot lately, and if I deserve it or not. My better judgement tells me I do not. But since I've been out of work for nearly half a year I'd say its worth a shot. I suppose I could think of it in terms of just shifting the support off my mother's shoulders and giving it to the government. Yeah,. that actually makes me feel a little better,… In the years before my mental illness,. I couldn't image myself ever getting on disability. My how the times have changed. Now instead of working, I spend my days in front of a computer doing what ever the hell I feel like. It sounds like a great way to live,. but its not. In fact its horrible. My sense of self-worth has plumeted over the past year. My confidence deffinately lacks and boredom controlls my every action. Then I think if thats all I have to complain about then I'm alot better off than I give myself credit for,… I just think that if I get on disability its gonna be alot harder to find pride in anything I do,. thats all.
Just A Thought,… Monday, May 22 2006
General 9:08 pm
So I was thinking about how such a small thing could lead a potentially huge reaction. One such thing I realised while taking a shower. I took my shampoo bottle from the rack that hangs from the shower head, and when I put it back,. my mother's smaller shower gel tube had fallen over and I put the bottle back anyway,.so that now the bottle was sitting on top of the smaller tube of gel. Now this seems such an entirely small thing for someone to get upset about,. however I couldn't ever see my self leaving things that way. Now my Mom and I think alike, and I know that the small inconvienance would have made a large negative impression on myself from her point of view. It all has to do with respect. I placed that bottle on top of that smaller tube. No question about it. And if I would have left it that way it would have surely meant that I had no respect for her possessions. I placed my objects above hers. And hence, a seemingly small inconvenience of picking up a shampoo bottle to extract that small but equally important tube of shower gel becomes seen as a blatant disregard for authority,..
More than just a break in monotony Thursday, May 18 2006
General 11:09 pm
So there I was,. minding my own, and following the rules of the road,.. on the way to my weekly meeting at the couseller's office,. when all of a sudden, a young girl decides to pull her minivan right into my lane, where inevebillity would cause our two paths to collide, right there in the middle of that suburbian intersection,. It happened in half a moments time,. apparantly she didn't see me, and pulled out to make her left turn, then upon realising she'd pulled out in front of me, froze. So there I am not knowing whether to swerve to the left or right, slammed on the brakes and just kept sliding until BAM,. my truck collided into her front driver's side door,. cuasing her van to spin around into the opposing lane. In shock I sat for a good three seconds, then realising I wasn't hurt turned to see the sheer horror on her face. I yelled "Are you okay!?",… no answer. In fear I shouted once more ,"ARE YOU HURT!!??" She mumbled a shaken reply which assured me she was just in shock but had no serious injuries. I pulled my truck over alongside the curb and attempted to break my door free but to no avail,. so I scooted over and out of the passenger side door. In a frantic maneuver I sprinted over to where her van had came to stop, once again checking to see if she had been injured, she said something I don't remember but I knew she was okay. My next instinct was to get straight on the phone and call up my mom… "Mom,.. I've had a wreck.." I could feel the horror rip through her. "But everyones okay,. and it wasn't my fault." -She breathed a heavy sigh of releif. It was then that two good samaritans shouted to me that they'd called in the accident and the ambulances were on ther way. Two of them, and a firetruck, and two police cars,.. a bit too much in my oppinion,. but better more than less in this kind of incident. Upon arrival, all the attention was on that dark blue minivan and it's frail driver. They hurriedly got her into the back of one of the ambulances where she remained for a good while. Meanwhile I stood leaning against the bed of my now crippled vehicle, watching all the comotion. The firemen sweeping up broken glass,. the police officers flagging traffic around the vehicles that now sat squarely in the center of intersection. My Mom arrived some minutes later and I assured her and the officials I was okay,.. A little shaken up, but okay. The tow trucks arrived a few minutes later to pick up and transport the two broken vehicles to their new destinations at the towing yard. I was assured the insurance would handle everything,. then we all went on our way. Overall,. at least for myself, the experience was a huge break in the monotany that has become my life. From the initial shock of the collision to everything that came after it,… I still remember the disturbing look on that poor girl's face,. a look stemming from the fact that she'd wrecked what was surely her parent's car. Realising it was her who was in the wrong, her who'd caused untold greif upon the lives of her family and herself. Laying awake last night thinking about all the events that unfolded yesterday I couldn't help but feel sorry for her. While other people might have only been thinking about how much money they could make out of the deal,. and all the other bullshit that comes from the insurance companies,. no instead I thought to myself,. Damn, that would suck so fucking much! To be in her shoes and to go through what here family pottentially might put her through. My heart deffinatiley goes out to them, so much so that I almost feel bad for not being able to change what happened. Maybe If I olny would have swerved to right instead of the left, then maybe we wouldn't have had to go through all this. But, then I say to myself, things happened and they can't be changed, so I'll just leave it at that.
Moods and Motivation Tuesday, May 16 2006
General 9:37 pm
Ive been trying to come up with something worthwhile to write about,. but can't seem to get any ideas flowing. I'm not sure if it is because my mind is numb from all this medicine I'm taking or if I'm just in one of those personal funks where being passive is better than trying to fight against the slowness of my mind. Its a shame that some of the time my ideas come at me faster than I can remember them,. and then at other times(like when I need them),.. nothing at all,. ahhh, if only I could balance the equation,.. then I would have more than enough originality on here and could keep the momentum of my posts going… Somehow I don't think thats going happen,. nah I foresee a major setback ahead. A sort of writer's block. But perhaps I can push though it, if I force myself to write about something. I suppose it really doesn't matter what I write about on here,. maybe I could do like most other people do on their blogs and just write about how their day was and what activities they've done,. or write about some article I've read on the net. Sure I could do that, but then it wouldn't be original. Yea,. instead I'll write about writing. Oh wait I already am,…..
A great time to be alive Thursday, May 11 2006
General 7:30 pm
We live in an era of great significance; So great in fact that it would, to any smart person, imply a time of unfothomable coincidence. With the heralding of the digital age we as humans have embarked on a short journey to an all encompasing knowledge of our place here in the universe. In a short time we will have unravelled the secrets of nature and learned to employ them to our bidding. We will also probably be witnesss to the merger of religion and science or to the birth of a new philosphy regarding beliefs and how they govern our every action. I could possibly elaborate on this topic a seemingly infinite amount, however I think I've summarized well enough why this very well might be the best time ever,. to be in this exact place at this exact time,…
Questioning My Intentions Tuesday, May 9 2006
General 7:58 pm
I wonder if I truly care about philosophy, and beliefs, and all the extra baggage that goes along with the subjects of reasoning. Maybe I do not. Perhaps I am only trying to find some obscure truth to apply to myself so that I can move on and out of the shadows of self doubt. If that were true then I do not care about anything other than my own well being,. which seems more than plausable given the examples of the people in this world.
The Bear,. what a show Monday, May 8 2006
General 10:13 pm
Whilst I was spending the weekend at my stepfather's,. I spent two valuable hours wasting away staring at the flickering screen proudly displaying a feature length,. "Bear",. and might I say,. A hell of a show. What made this unheard of film worthy of recognition here?… Well,. first let me give a brief summary of it's plot. The film follows a bear cub who lost his mother to a tragic accident of a falling rock to the skull,. The cub then meets up with a dominating male counter part who shows him the ways of the wild. It was really kind of cheesy but the importance lies in the clutches of one key scene in which the cub,. "comes of age" by means of a trip on Hallucinogenic (Strophariaceae Psilocybe) Mushrooms. Shortly following his mis-consumption of the drug, the cub falls into a life-altering dream state where he learns the depth of his existance. Whilst watching the story unfold on the screen before me, I couldn't help but be reminded of my own spiritual journey with the common shroom… So a quick Story?,.. Okay here goes,… It was late that fourth of July, and drugs were at an all time high in terms of accesibility. So naturally my friends and I decided to take full advantage of the evenings festivities and we all threw down for a passell of Magic Mushrooms,. Ahhh,.. I remember it like it was last night. There we were,. me and twelve of my closest high shcool friends,. sitting on that grassy hill over looking Lake Buchanan, with the night's moon hanging in a cloudless, stary sky, sofly luminating our local surroundings. As the mind changing substance slowly started its onset, I began to notice some odd effects that were now being made apparant as hallucinations. To explain this as simply as possible,.. my twelve compatriots were no longer seperate entities,. they had become peices of myself. So instead of seeing my friends,. what I saw was a seperate part of my own personality,… Just like I had been divided and rationed out to the people I saw before me. We had the tripped out kid,. the smart observer the witty conversationalists and those who were just soaking in all the enjoyment of the night. and,. I for a large part of the evening sat stary eyed studying all the mannerisms I saw comparing every one to myself and trying to prove that what I was seeing was in fact the noble truth I had been seeking for the better part of a year. Of course as the effects wore off, my senses inevitably came back but only after a centuries' worth of experiences flew by, back there on that small town night,… Its been said that every time you trip on drugs like shrooms or acid your supposed to learn something either about your self or about your existance. Now,. I've only tripped one time, but I'd say that the experience deffinately qualifies as a spiritual journey,. The only bad part is,.. I didn't get answers,. just more questions,. leading to more problems in my life… Now that I think of it,. that was around the time in my life when I was really into pot,. and the time that my mind underwent the most "expansion". The way I see it, is that I kind of quite too early,. I went through this enormous phase in my life of finding questions regarding my place in the world but didn't get to go through the next phase where my questions would either be answered or at least find something to fill the void that now existed,. It can kind of be compared to being stuck in pergatory,. an in-between place where people still need to find key information for there reason for being. But perhaps,. the fact that I now have this blog says in itself that I've taken steps to get myself out of that phase and on with my life. I just have to let go of alot of the problem areas that stem from that mind altering phase in my life.
I Guess It’s All Relative Thursday, May 4 2006
General 8:40 pm
When I think about the universe,. I'm really just thinking about myself, only on a larger scale.
Co-Existance Wednesday, May 3 2006
General 10:34 pm
From An Old Journal Of Mine,….
I wonder how long it will take
for our society to refer to other
cultures in a scientific way.
One such tool for identifying
other peoples is temperment typology.
It can be directly relational to race
and religion.. So rather than putting
things in Black or White,. We could
say,"Introverted thinking, or
Extroverted Feeling" In this way
we can begin to accept other's
differences, and begin to understand
why all temperments are neccesary
for the system to work.. Because
all forms of people are important.
Not just the judgers,. but also
the percievers,….
The Truth,… Wednesday, May 3 2006
General 8:28 pm
I've been pondering the reason for my lack of material to write about,.. and it occured to me what was happening,.. unconsciously I had been telling myself not to post anything new, unless I could write a better one than the previous posts,. as if this blog is so damned important that I'd have to make it into something to be proud of,.. but I figured I would put something new on here anyway, just to try to get a little substance on here,.. Once again, I place quantity over quality for the sake of being content. So heres to being content,…..
Inwardly Focussed Disgust Monday, May 1 2006
General 7:51 pm
IFD,.. a disease I happen to be acutely affected with,… After publishing the last post,.. I re-read over the article,.. and upon completion the rigors of my illness made themselves keenly apparent.. Yes I find nothing but disgust in the words I have written. You see, I am a conglomerant of a man. Comprised of many peices, small and large. All the problems I face stem from that very idea,. that being that I am only a puzzle built of pieces that can be plucked away and re-arranged at will. The peices are formulations of my past experiences, and are subject to revision due to the failing memory I possess. At anyrate the constant choas I experience due to the rival factions that fight their wars in my mind make for a quite disturbing picture as I write away in these journals,…
Mondaze,.. Monday, May 1 2006
General 7:30 pm
In contrast to American culture,. Monday is my day of rest… I spend all weekend with other people, as compared to being alone nearly all week.. So, given my condition,. it really takes a toll on my senses. So I get home late sunday night, go straight to bed then wake in the morning to a relaxing atmoshpere.. home alone till about six thirty when my mom arives from work… It’s really great, but by the end of the week I’m all but craving human interaction.. but by then it’ll be time to go see the grandparents or like this weekend,. my stepfather. I had a great time this past weekend, really. It was alot of fun,. grooming the horses and fishing were our two main activities,.. Working with the horses was a new experience for me,.. surprisingly they turned out to be remarkably docile creatures, soaking up any attention they could get. So we groomed them for about an hour, cleaning the mud they had caked on their hides from trying to rid themselves of the small nat-like flies that lay eggs on their manes and tails. I know cleaning mud from an animal doesn’t sound like much fun, but it really was… I’m not quite sure what it was that made the experience so pleasurable but I’m sure at had something to do with the sheer size of them, they’re huge! Unlike working with a dog who is like a hundred times smaller.. Don’t get me wrong,. working with dogs can be very entertaining also, but nothing like horses (My oppinion of course),. So we finished grooming the horses and after a short hiatus we embarked on the five mile journey to a freind of my father’s stock tank for some serious fishing,.. I don’t think I’ve caught as many in one trip as we did this past sunday,.. Somewhere around ten pearch,… For me that is quite an acheivement,… In terms of fishing, however, there is a fine line between quantity and quality. In other words, catching small fish gets old past a certian amount, but still in yet it was a great time. I had really wanted to hook a big bass, but that didn’t happen, catching all those pearch was enjoyable enough, so in no way was I dissatisfied,.. So that’s how my weekend was,. I think next weekend we’ll do it all over again,. so I’ll have some thing to look forward to.
